I have struggled with anxiety since I was 12yrs old, I didn’t label it back then as anxiety it was diagnosed as claustrophobia due to me panicking in classrooms, assemblies or when I was stuck in specific places.
I didn’t tell a soul at the time but some awful things had happened to me at home for four years that my young brain couldn’t compute. It led to a fear of being stuck somewhere and not being able to escape places without being noticed, and an intense feeling of fear sometimes out of nowhere.
I dealt with it through my teens and 20s by basically going off the rails without a care in the world, I had a lot of anger so I moved myself out of the family home and into a hostel while my Parents were on holiday, but throughout this time I was always putting myself in some form of therapy whether it was through the NHS or private, I knew I needed help. I didn’t tell any of the therapists about those 4 years of hell in my own home, I hadn’t told anyone.
I eventually did tell my parents in my late 20s and it broke them, we eventually found out it wasn’t just me it had been happening to.
I felt better for a short time because I had let it out. I continued seeing all types of therapists and I would start the sessions with This is what happened but I dont want to go into that I just want some guidance so I can move forward I was always told I had to go through the whole story to be able to move forward; that was by every therapist over the next 10-15yrs. After every course of therapy finished I felt more broken than I did before, I did learn little bits from each one but not enough to help me move forward.
My next strategy was to not tell them what had happened because then they wouldn’t focus on it and they would just concentrate on helping me move forward, but this led to them always trying to find that thing that started it all so I gave up hope, I was done, my only hope was to go back to my GP, I told him I cant go on Ive tried everything possible, used every penny of my savings and Im worse than I have ever have been.
We had tried most anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, he had hit a brick wall too so referred me to a local mental health clinic. In the meantime I listened to self help books, ate well, avoided caffeine and everything else to keep that feeling away. I was rarely leaving the house to avoid that fear.
After seeing a Psychiatrist I was put on some medication and referred to help in the community, the next day I was contacted by a Social Prescriber who told me about Impact Mental Health Services she explained it is run by people who have a lot of knowledge about mental health and they have had their own struggles, it sounded good, and different so I signed up and started almost instantly.
I remember saying to my partner the evening before it started I hope this isn’t going to set me back any further because I just can’t.
I started with the Your Choice Programme where I was introduced to Jackie. A few other members were in the group which would normally be quite scary for me but Jackie had such a lovely way about her that I felt at ease within a short space of time. As the course went on there were so many Aha and wow its me moments that I was instantly hooked on what I was being taught and was quickly filling up my notebook with helpful tips and recommendations. I hadn’t had this type of help over the years, everything else was pretty much text book whereas this was basically how to help yourself manage day to day mental health problems – predominantly anxiety and depression. You could also share your struggles without any judgement and sometimes other group members would share their insights too, it was a really safe space.
Impact opened my eyes to the fact that everything I was feeling other people have or were feeling too, I wasn’t alone and there is a way to manage these thoughts and sensations that have taken over my life for years and years. The best thing was I didn’t need to pour my heart and go over my past. Everything was concentrating on moving forward, helping ourselves and teaching us how we can change our thought processes, but also giving ourselves a break while going through these challenges.
I was definitely hooked on all the information shared and it made me want more!
My family and friends noticed this buzz in me and a lift in my mood, but mainly that I was more optimistic about the future.
I went on to do the You Programme which enlightened me even more, I met Deanne and more people who were each having their own issues.
I have left Impact with a whole lot of knowledge, advice, positivity, hope, comfort and such a good feeling about my future. I know I need to put in the work to get to where I want to be but I also know I WILL get there.
What happened in the past happened, I cant change it, I cant wipe my mind clear, I will live with it forever, but I know I definitely wont let it define my life. I can do so much to help myself move forward, build new habits that will help me, instead of the avoidance habits I thought were protecting me. I know it will take time and wont be easy but I know what needs to be done, and when those days pop up that I cant face things I will give myself a break and then get back on track.
I do wish I had known about Impact years ago so I could have avoided unnecessary therapies and being taken in by miracle cures advertised online, but I am also grateful I was referred to them when I was.
I have just finished the Unlock Menopause Programme with Impact as I feel that stage of my life is quickly approaching and I want to be ready for it. I saw Peri-Menopause/Menopause as another thing to dread but it really isn’t. It’s another stage of my life that can be managed and doesn’t need to be looked at negatively.
I think from what I have learned from the Your choice and You programme it has taught me a different way of seeing and thinking about things which will definitely help going forward into this next stage of my life.
I would recommend Impact even to people who dont have struggles, the insight you get is invaluable. I can also take what I have learned and help my kids if they struggle with anything through their journey of life, and thats due to Impact.
I will be forever grateful for that referral and for the ladies at Impact.
An Impact Learner
